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The Ending is Not a Mystery

“In the Evening We Shall be Examined on Love”

-St. John of the Cross

And it won’t be multiple choice,
Though some of us would prefer it that way.
Neither will it be essay, which tempts us to run on
When we should be sticking to the point, if not together.
In the evening, there shall be implications
Our fear will change to complications. “No cheating,”
We’ll be told, and we’ll try to figure the cost of being true
To ourselves. In the evening, when the sky has turned
That certain blue, the blue of exam books, books of no more
Daily evasion, we shall climb the hill as the light empties
And park our tired bodies on a bench above the city
And try to fill in the blanks. And we won’t be tested
Like defendants on trial, cross-examined
Till one of us breaks down, guilty as charged. No,
In the evening, after the day has refused to testify,
We shall be examined on love like students
Who don’t even recall signing up for the course
And now must take their orals, forced to speak for once
From the heart and not off the top of their heads.
And when the evening is over and it’s late
The student body asleep, even the great teachers
Retired for the night, we shall stay up
And run back over the questions, each in our own way:
What’s true and what’s false, what unknown quantity
Will balance the equation, what it would mean years from now
To look back and know
We did not fail.

–By Thomas Centolella

My dear loved ones, the end is not a mystery. As a grief counselor, I’ve worked with death enough times to know that while the journey of life can be unpredictable and abrupt, the ending is not a mystery.

How does it all end? The answer is always LOVE.

Did you love? All the time, any time, as big as the universe, despite the pain, despite the tragedy, despite the sorrow, because of the joy, because of the swiftness of time, because of the laughter, because of the happiness, because of chances given, because of chances taken, regardless of who, what, where, when, how, despite war, violence, death, and in honor of being alive?

Did you love?

Perks of being a counselor: Constant and consistent reminders of the vital force of life and hope that LOVE is. In the end, that is all that remains.

Woman sitting on a bench looking at the sky with heart-shaped clouds.
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Living in the “along”…

“Say to them,
say to the down-keepers,
the sun-slappers,
the self-soilers,
the harmony-hushers,
‘Even if you are not ready for day
it cannot always be night.’
You will be right.
For that is the hard home-run.

Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along.”

“Speech to the Young” by Gwendolyn Brooks, from BLACKS (Chicago, IL: Third World Press, 1991). Copyright © 1991 by Gwendolyn Brooks Blakely.

Living in the “along” is the only living we are actually capable of. We can’t live in yesterday or tomorrow. We can’t live in the “there” or the “that.” We can only live in this moment, here and now. And while we watch the sunset and sunrise, off in the distance and witness day turn into night and night turn into day, we must learn to live in the “along” because life is what’s happening along the way.

Perks of being a counselor: knowing we are never ready for the sun to set and rise again. The planet spins and orbits and day turns into night and then into day again. How painful and disappointing to think we have to be ready before we can witness this beauty. I, for one, am ready in every given moment, even though I may be unprepared.

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Everything is Everything

The ever evolving Yasaman (me) believes everything can and does happen simultaneously. In other words, you can’t wait to be healed before you begin a journey and you don’t have to master self-love before loving others, nor is self-love a prerequisite for others to love you. Daily evolution, for me, is to accept the fullness of what being human is…a never ending transformation fueled by engagement with self, others and our environment, a circular connection and interaction with the seen and unseen.

The illusion we are given in this plane of existence is that everything is linear. However, in actuality, that is just one perception of the representation of this physical world. A holistic approach to reality would demonstrate a more comprehensive truth…that nothing is linear and that not only are multiple things happening at the same time, but within each different representation of reality, there are numerous dimensions. While it may feel like there is no single answer, we still find that all responses can lead to one single place and space in time, that thing called LOVE.

What is LOVE? It’s lots of things. I bet that we can explain most things and phenomenas in terms of the force that LOVE is. For example, gravity is love. It is the force that pulls objects together. The the pull of certain atoms to be together is their love for one another. What we see is LOVE in the form of planets orbiting each other.

Growth is love. When the flowers grow toward sunlight, it is their molecules’ love for energy production through photosynthesis that guides them to light. What we see in turn, is the blossoming of a flower. What we are witnessing is LOVE in the form of a chemical reaction.

Music is love. It is the beauty of the melody that is created when notes are put together. Beautiful music is just notes that love one another. What we hear is what LOVE sounds like.

And so everything is everything.

I cannot evolve on my own no matter how much I love myself, just like a note by itself is not music. I have to be open to experiencing everything, sometimes chronologically and linearly according to my limited human capabilities at that time. But I have to also be open to the idea of different life experiences happening simultaneously, which I believe is how most of life events unfold in order to create the most beautiful symphony.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that when I’m out of tune, it’s because I’m learning to make a better song. Everything is everything. Everything and everyone is linked to everything and everyone else.

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Just Love ♥️

Just LOVE ♥️
(I’m going to pitch this idea to Nike. 😉)

“Love, I thought to myself abstractedly. Not ‘This is love.’ or ‘Is this love?’ Not a sentence, not a certainty, not a thought with moving parts or direction. Just love, all of it, as it is. Whether it’s enough or not. Wthether it’s real or we’re making it up. However shoddy it gets, or bent out of shape. It’s still extraordinary. However foolish, however vain. However badly it ends. Love.”

― Julian Gough

Perks of being a counselor: Learning from working with so many different people that no one ever regretted loving too much. They did regret not loving enough, but never too much.

So I’m passing this learning on to you in the hopes that any opportunity you have to love, you will go all out!

Love as much as there are stars in the universe and as long as their stardust continues to exist amongst us all.

💫✨💫

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Letting Go

What is a lesson in life that keeps coming up for you?


My perpetual lesson has been exercising the art of “letting go.”


Why do I refer to it as an art?

It’s because letting go often gets mistaken for disconnection. I see letting go more as detachment from the outcome of a situation vs. being disconnected and uncaring about a situation or outcome.


You can very much care about what’s going to happen and still exercise grace in your approach to how that situation reveals its outcome. This is how I define the art of letting go.

It takes great self restraint to practice patience and peace in awaiting an outcome.


What I find amazing is that if I’m conscious of practicing grace, patience and peace, at some point the outcome loses its power over me which then allows me to accept things the way they are. Ironically, as soon as I am able to accept what is happening the way it is happening naturally, everything shifts and change occurs.

Perks of being a counselor: Knowing that if I’ve done my part to the best of my ability and within the scope of my power, the rest is not up to me. There is a certain peace in taking a step back and watching the events in the universe unfold in their own time.

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Normal Day

The day has come when we all long for the “normal” day.

Let us burn into our memories the simplest of our routine activities which are connected with our mundane, normal and imperfect days, so that when those days return, we will never again take them for granted.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that even in this moment, in the midst of a pandemic, there is still so much to be grateful for and not take for granted.

There is such a thing as a “normal” social isolation day. One day, we will even miss today.

There is always something to be grateful for.

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March 2020

Besides the arrival of the Corona Virus, Spring has also arrived.

A lot has happened in the last 2 months. One could say the whole world has turned upside down and inside out.

We’ve learned new phrases such as social distancing and become “experts” in Covid-19. We’ve learned that toilet paper is a hotter commodity in times of international panic than maybe even food. We’ve had to listen to our president address us almost on a daily basis and have learned about the World Health Organization and Center for Disease Control.

Our jobs have had to transform from in person interactions to online platforms overnight and our homes have become our centers of ALL activities. We are cooking more than ever before, spending more time with our families than ever before and have had to learn to be still and patient more than ever before.

Our skin on our hands are dry and peeling from all the hand washing and surfaces have never been as clean as they are now.

On the one hand, we are weary of anyone who so much as looks like they are going to cough and yet at the same time we are much more drawn to being out and about and interacting with others than ever before.

The irony of being told to stay home and do nothing and not being able to follow through, when in the past we might have even prayed for this kind of down time and eagerly accepted it, is not lost on me. We don’t like to be told what to do, unless we agree with what’s being asked of us.

Life has transformed from making plans to go out with friends to figuring out what to do all day, every day, at home along side the people who live with us.

How does everything that’s happening affect our mental health? The answer is not simple or easy. The truth is that for every single person, the width, depth and breadth of this time period’s effect on us will be different.

So what can you do? Without being too prescriptive, I’d like to put out some suggestions that I try to do myself when I’m feeling lost or overwhelmed. Here are some ideas in no particular order. I hope you find this list helpful.

When you’re lost or overwhelmed:

1. Create a loose schedule to structure your day.

2. Insert some kind of movement in your day. It can be yoga, dance, walking in place, jumping jacks, sit ups, going up and down your stairs, watching a YouTube video of some kind of movement, etc.

3. Treat yourself. Create deadlines for yourself and then reward yourself with a movie, a piece of chocolate, a nap, playing with your dogs or kids, etc. Do something that helps you to feel better about yourself.

4. Watch a YouTube video and learn a new skill. It doesn’t have to be something super hard. Watch a make-up tutorial and learn how to put on your fake eye lashes. Watch a hair tutorial and learn how to fish braid your daughter’s hair. Learn to cook something new or fix something that’s been broken a long time. Learn how to say simple phrases in a new language. The world is your oyster!

5. Check in on friends using any of the free video platforms available to you. You can use Facebook Messenger to video chat, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, Skype, etc.

6. Start your own unique weekly group event. For example, you can set up a weekly Skype meeting with friends where everyone shares their favorite book, recipe, show, quote, poem, music, sports trivia, etc.

7. Share your expertise with others. Host a weekly, bi-monthly or monthly event through a video platform and share your knowledge about a particular topic with others.

8. Get creative! Re-purpose some of the items of your home for other uses.

9. Rearrange your furniture. Change things up in your home, move things around. You can always move them back.

10. Schedule self care time for yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be long. You can paint your nails, read a book, read the news, scroll through social media, stretch, meditate, journal, write your own blog, put on a face mask, pray, look up sports statistics and trivia, etc.

Most of all, don’t judge yourself for where you’re at right now. No one has ever lived through what we’re going through right now. How can we have a standard to judge ourselves when such unprecedented times have never occurred in our lifetime?

Perks of being a counselor:

We’re all doing the best we can. And we’ve learned slowly, but surely, that we can do hard things. Yes we can!

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Footprints 👣 Upon Our Hearts

Mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, cousins, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, grandmothers, grandfathers, friends…each person who died was someone special in someone else’s life.

Each walked their footprints upon our hearts.

When winter melts into spring, and tears continue to stream,

You’ll not be forgotten or overlooked

Because in your footprints flowers will bloom.

We will not forget your love,

Our memories will never abandon you.

Because we know when we are walking on,

We are not walking on alone.

Your footprints continue to impact our hearts,

Melting the cold, cold snow.

Because of you we must continue on,

Because we know we’re not continuing on alone.

One day, the hatred and greed will subside.

One day peace will start to bloom.

We know you’re always here with us,

And one day your footprints will guide us home.

Dedicated to all on and affected by Flight PS752 ❤️💔❤️

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“I wish you pain” ❤️

“I wish you pain.” “But why?” You might ask? Here’s one way to look at pain:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

As 2019 comes to a close, it’s important to take time to reflect on how you got through life this past year.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself:

1. What was one of the most difficult experiences of 2019?

2. How did I get through this difficulty?

3. Is there a pattern connected to this difficulty I experienced in 2019? (In other words, have I experienced something similar in the past?)

4. If so, what was the theme?

5. What did I learn about myself after this experience?

6. How do I want to do things differently moving forward?

7. What was one good thing that happened to me in 2019?

8. What did I learn about myself during and after this good thing happened?

9. How did I participate in creating this good experience and what can I do to create more good experiences in my life?

10. What is one way I helped another person this past year?

11. How did that feel?

12. How do I want to participate in acts of service and kindness in 2020?

I will leave you with the lyrics of Andy Grammer’s new song, “Wish You Pain.” He said it better than I can. While I don’t ever wish for anyone to deal with tragedy, I am aware of the growth connected to suffering and depth of understanding of what is most important in life when one experiences deep sorrow. And since life is filled with not just happiness, but also pain and sorrow, we can, at the very least, try to gain something from it by reflecting on how it has helped us grow.

“I hope your doubts come like monsters
And terrorize your dreams
I hope you feel the lonely hopelessness
‘Cause no one else believes
I hope you question whether you ever really had a chance at all

I hope your fear is thick like poison
It gets into your blood
I hope you push until you cannot breathe
And it’s still not enough
I hope you put your life out on the line
And everybody watches while you fall

‘Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It’s hard to say
But I wish you pain

I hope people break their promises
Leave you in the cold
I hope they beat your heart to pieces
Worse than you’ve ever known
I hope you finally arrive, only to find you’re nowhere close

I hope you cry and tears come streaming down your face
I hope this life traps you in more than you thought you could ever take
I hope the help you want never comes and you do it on your own

‘Cause I love you more than you could know
And your heart, it grows every time it breaks
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
Wish you pain
It’s hard to say
But I wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
Been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow

‘Cause everything that matters most
That’s where it goes by a different name
I know that it might sound strange

But I wish you pain
I wish you pain
It’s hard to say
Wish you pain

I love you more than you could even know
I’ve been here before and I just wanna see you grow
Want you to grow”

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Andrew Grammer / Ryan Met / Thomas Meredith

Wish You Pain lyrics © BMG Rights Management, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

(Check out his song while you’re at it. YouTube link below.)

https://youtu.be/12Us5nPWouY

Perks of being a counselor:

Having been to the end of the tunnel numerous times, not just in my own life, but witnessed it through the stories of others, and having seen the light in order to be able to know and reassure you that there is, indeed, some form of transformation and light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish you pain…and love, happiness, joy, peace, health, prosperity and well-being in all areas of your life too!

Happy New Year! Thank you for all your love and support! I appreciate you! ❤️

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Healing…

“The brain-disease model overlooks four fundamental truths: (1) our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring well-being; (2) language gives us the power to change ourselves and others by communicating our experiences, helping us to define what we know, and finding a common sense of meaning; (3) we have the ability to regulate our own physiology, including some of the so-called involuntary functions of the body and brain, through such basic activities as breathing, moving, and touching; and (4) we can change social conditions to create environments in which children and adults can feel safe and where they can thrive.

When we ignore these quintessential dimensions of humanity, we deprive people of ways to heal from trauma and restore their autonomy. Being a patient, rather than a participant in one’s healing process, separates suffering people from their community and alienates them from an inner sense of self.”
― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Here’s the thing…

There is no drug that will address your trauma, talk to it, listen to it, feel it for you, erase it, undo it, touch it, hug it, love it, sit with it, work through it, breath through it, care for it, talk about it and/or heal it for you. There just isn’t.

When you think about it, how can a situation that caused so much pain, suffering and trauma for you be eradicated by a pill made for all? While I wish such a magic “cure” existed, the reality and truth of it is that humanity has forgotten what it means to be human and to have human experiences, and as a result, we have watered down and oversimplified what it takes to heal from some of those experiences.

Just like no pill can describe the incredible depth of suffering some life experiences can bring upon us, no pill can create the connection it takes to heal from those experiences.

Labeling ourselves as “diseased” no longer means “dis-ease” or lack of ease and comfort. In today’s world, “disease” is used as a label to separate, segregate and medicate.

If you think about it, when you’re in a state of “dis-ease”, wouldn’t it make more sense to try to find out what is causing the lack of ease in the situation? Or would you just take a pill and hope it addresses the discomfort, though the origin of it has not been explored? Wouldn’t it make more sense to explore the origin of the pain and address that instead of pathologizing ourselves and in turn, trying to find the quickest “fix” out of the “dis-ease”?

In the end, whatever your belief is about what brings about healing, we can all recognize that the current system is not working.

And…if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Perks of being a counselor:

Using my own human experiences in life, both good ones and difficult ones, to be able to connect with others so that they can see their own humanity. The truth is that, as humans, we are much more alike than different. And once we know we are not alone in our suffering, anything is possible, even healing.

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What are you paying for?

Attention…

It’s something every human being wants in one form or another. Whether it’s labeled love or money, it’s still a form of focus from one entity on another.

Attention can look like being loved, being taken care of, time spent together, and/or a paycheck for what you do as a service for others in your job, and it certainly it does not stop there.

Attention can also be paid/given to negative behaviors, and while the behaviors may be negative and undesirable, that attention can still be looked at as a reward. In other words, attention is attention, regardless of what behavior it’s addressing. It points out and highlights something that’s happening, even if what’s happening is bad.

Attention can also be connected to behaviors that are not necessarily the most adaptive. In other words, if someone else mistreats you or engages in poor behavior, and you’re constantly noticing that behavior and responding to it, then you are “paying attention” to that negative behavior. And not surprisingly, you will most likely get more of that behavior.

An example would be a child who is consistently reprimanded for his/her negative behavior but continues to engage in that negative behavior. While you may see yourself as attempting to correct the behavior as you continue to “pay attention” to the child in order to reprimand him/her, the child might see it as getting the attention he/she is looking for. He/she may then continue to behave negatively to continue to get the attention.

If we think of attention as money, basically you get what you pay for.

Quick caveat here: I am in no uncertain terms saying you should not address that negative behavior, especially when it is abusive and infringing on the rights of you and/or others. However, how you address that negative behavior has its own formula. That’s for another blog post.

What I’m saying here is that if you were to follow along with the idea of , “You get what you pay for,” you might want to “pay” your attention to when things are going well, instead of when things are falling apart.

In other words, if you want more of any particular kind of behavior, whether it be with your children, friends and/or other family members, finding the times when you see that behavior displayed in everyday life and “paying” attention to it by very specifically praising that behavior will produce greater results than “paying” attention to the times the behavior is not being displayed.

Think of attention and specific praise as currency. Spend it intentionally and wisely in your everyday experiences when things are going well. Tell people when they are behaving in a way that feels good to you and tell them exactly what it is they are doing that you like, and you will start to get exactly what you pay for.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that I am always “wealthy” enough to ask for exactly what I need/want from others because there is no shortage in my ability to “pay attention” to the positive behaviors of others.

You are also wealthy enough to ask for and “pay” for what you want. 😊

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BOUNDARIES! Couldn’t have said it any better myself!

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries…

“There is a perception that speaking up for boundaries is somehow introducing conflict into a situation, or at very least, escalating it in an unkind way, like, everything was fine until you spoke up for your needs and now you made it weird. But not speaking up is not making the situation better, it’s just giving the other person more license to operate and communicating that you are okay with the behavior. There is no prize for being the world’s most stoic and accommodating person. A friendship that cannot survive the momentary discomfort of you standing up for your needs is not actually a friendship worth holding onto. Nobody loves being told that they are screwing up, obviously, but if you don’t have the ability to ever take any negative feedback along the lines of ‘Hey, could you not do that one thing anymore, thanks?’ from a friend, YOU are the problem. When told that they are stepping on someone’s foot, good adult people will apologize and get off the foot and not perpetuate a FEELINGS DUMP about their need to really stand on other’s feet sometimes.

Communicating ‘Hey, that’s where my boundary is, thanks,’ IS KINDNESS.

It is giving the other person the tools they need to be in a good relationship with you.”

~Jennifer Peepas

Perks of being a counselor:

Constantly having the opportunity to practice the art of establishing healthy boundaries because it’s important to practice what you preach.

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Masks…

Since it’s Halloween, let’s talk about this one day a year (or so we think), when we get to dress up and be someone else for a short period of time. Ironically, being someone else on Halloween is not only allowed, but that’s how you “do” Halloween. That’s the whole point…to be someone else.

Interestingly enough, the rest of the year, many, if not all of us, continue to wear invisible masks in order to “do” life. The more invisible masks we wear, the more complicated life becomes. We have our home masks and our work masks; our party masks and our “I’m okay” masks. We have our “I’m confident” masks and our “I’m not going to let them see me cry” masks.

What if, just for one day, we didn’t wear any masks and our inner and outer life was congruent? What if we were authentically ourselves and let Halloween do it’s job once a year, instead of the dressing up and pretending lasting all year long, for our whole life?

How might this world be a different place if we acknowledged our pain, sadness and grief? Our lack of confidence and our loneliness? What if we were exactly who we are?

I’m venturing to guess that what we’d see is that we are so much more alike than different. We are all suffering in some way and we are all experiencing some kind of joy too. We might see more of ourselves in others because now instead of looking at others and seeing their masks, we look and see ourselves reflected in someone else. We exchange metaphorical Masks for metaphorical Mirrors.

And…if I look at you and see a part of myself, aren’t I more likely to feel connected to you?

Yes. I certainly am.

Perks of being a counselor:

Having a job that has taught me to take off my mask and see a part of myself in every encounter with another person so that I can connect, empathize and “see” them for who they really are instead of who society tells them they should be.

And oh my goodness the beauty that unfolds when a human being is really “seen” and “heard”!!! ❤️

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You don’t have to continually explain yourself…

One of the basic needs in human beings is to be seen and understood by those whom we interact with. In fact, the need to be seen is so strong that attention received for anything we do will be taken in as if it’s water quenching a extreme thirst.

This has a myriad of implications. On the one hand, those giving the “attention” can literally shape our interactions with others, early childhood caregivers being first and foremost on the list. Depending on what they choose to “pay” attention to, that is exactly what they will get more of.

On the other hand, depending on what we see getting the attention of our loved ones, we will do more of, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously.

Human beings want to connect, want to be heard and understood. We will continually repeat behaviors over and over again if we think it will get us the “attention” we need and desire.

However, as we become more self-aware, and as we start to process and understand our past, our pain, our history and our life, we begin to understand our own behaviors and who we are. We start to see that no matter how we’ve grown and changed, that some people are deeply committed to “seeing” us and “paying attention” to us in ways they have done in the past. This does not mean that we haven’t changed. It means they haven’t changed. And as such, they are committed to “seeing” us the way they always have.

Give yourself permission to stop explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

Perks of being a counselor:

Not only being able to give myself permission to not have to explain myself, but for those who want someone else’s permission, being the person who is happy to step up and give them the permission & reminder to be themselves. Be you. Be’you’tiful.

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It’s not the critic who counts…

I bow to those in the arena.

There is no other way to live life than to actually live it, and in doing so, dare greatly, love much, try and try again, laugh often, forgive yourself, show vulnerability, apologize when you needed and get back up and try again always.

Carry on…

Perks of being a counselor:

Watching your clients learn how to dare greatly, succeed and fail, and then get right back up and try again.

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If a tree falls…

Today I forgot to wear my Apple Watch when I went for my walk (let me just acknowledge the privilege in that first statement before I go on). So I don’t know how many steps I took, calories I burned or miles I walked. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t do it and it doesn’t mean I didn’t and won’t benefit from it.

In a world where documenting life has become the norm, sometimes we might feel like if we don’t take a picture or record what we’re doing, that what we’ve done doesn’t count.

I feel the most healthy when no one actually knows what I’m doing. It’s not that I don’t want to share my successes (and failures) with others. It’s just that when no one knows what I’m doing, I know I’m doing it for myself. And even more importantly, if I’m able to continue to do something healthy for myself without accountability to anyone else but myself, then I personally feel like I’ve made the most progress in advancing towards a healthier lifestyle.

Don’t get me wrong, I love social media. In moderation. And I do love seeing other people do well and learn from them through their social media posts. But I guess like everything else in life, I’m always seeking balance.

So for those of you doing well and/or struggling, I see you, even when you don’t post about it on social media. Know that your life is very much “normal” because the normal state of human being and human becoming is a state of flux, a state of imbalance and ups and downs. There is no such thing as “normal,” only how we choose to respond to life. And that response is different for each one of us because we are all unique.

Perks of being a counselor:

Knowing that “normal” is overrated. I’ve had the most learning and fun in life in moments that have gone unrecorded and undocumented which occurred in the most “abnormal” situations and experiences.

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Sense of wonder…

Recognizing and being aware of your perspective on life can have miraculous consequences.

How would you live your life differently if you chose to see what you look at and/or the people you interact with as if it was the first time or the last time you’re seeing them?

And if you would behave differently, why aren’t you behaving differently right now?

I can’t tell you how many clients I have spoken with who have told me if they knew it was the last time they were going to see a loved one, that they would have let them know how much they loved them and how much they meant to them.

So why wait? Tell them right now. Go. Do it. Right this minute. I promise you won’t regret it.

Perks of Being a Counselor:

Always knowing that each session with a client may be the last one and so making sure that each one of my clients walks away with me having given them the best I have to give as their therapist. And then using the same process with all my loved ones.

Do I always succeed? No. But that doesn’t mean I stop trying.

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What if the answer is YES?!

“What is ‘no’? Either you have asked the wrong question or you have asked the wrong person. Find a way to get the ‘yes’.”

–Jeanette Winterson

I am often faced with situations where I have to find the ‘yes’.

It’s not easy to get to the ‘yes’ because hidden in the ‘yes’ is the internal belief that I’m deserving of a ‘yes’. Also hidden is the ability to be able to handle a ‘no’ without feeling defeated and rejected.

There are also boundaries to observe. There is a huge difference between someone who pushes their way to a ‘yes’ vs. someone who gracefully perseveres in the direction of a ‘yes’ without violating their own, as well as other people’s boundaries.

Still deeper, and even more hidden, is the ‘yes’ answer we give ourselves when we start to believe in our own capacity, talents, worthiness and potential. This kind of ‘yes’ is not one where we have measured ourselves against others in order to see where we stand and who we are. This ‘yes’ is about the acceptance, love, acknowledgment and gratitude for who we are in that exact moment, the acceptance of being perfectly imperfect.

The key is to make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself before you have the opportunity to ask for what you want, and to be patient enough to wait for and search for the ‘yes’.

Perks of Being a Counselor: being able to give myself the permission to ask for what I want and need because I know that even if someone else’s answer for me is ‘no’, I am very capable of saying ‘yes’ to myself.

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On Grief…

Grief is heavy. It’s like carrying around a weighted blanket with you for the rest of your life, except it’s not comforting to be weighed down. Everything becomes more laborious. Your movements slow down. Your thinking slows down. It’s like you’re carrying around with you the entire world and all the pain and suffering that has ever existed from the beginning of time, all. the. time.

You see people around you moving about their lives and it feels like you’re in a slow motion movie while everyone else’s life has been sped up. Every now and then, someone steps out of their fast-paced dimensions just long enough for you to be able to see their faces and for them to see yours, but no one can stay in your slow world with you, no one is allowed. It’s the kind of restricted access no one would ever wish for, but here you are, and here you will be forever.

You learn to start walking with this heaviness weighing you down. Some days it feels like you’re walking in tar and can barely take a step forward. Other times, it feels more like you’re moving in water, still hard but much more preferable to the dark tar. You learn to appreciate walking the earth with your heavy blanket as long as you can still move and feel the earth beneath your feet. Slowly, you forget you’re being weighed down and learn that this is your new gravity, your new posture.

You start to feel gratitude for this blanket because it’s a reminder of your love for the person, for YOUR person, who has died. Eventually, the blanket becomes your protection from the speedy lives everyone else is living. You realize that while you’ve slowed down, become immobilized at times, you’ve also been able to see the moments within the moments that everyone else is missing.

At some point, you’re able to recognize the faces of others who are also moving slowly through time. You find them and they find you, and without any words, you KNOW and recognize each other. You know what is happening, you see each other’s weighted blankets and you recognize the beautiful designs on them. You begin to see that the blanket is no longer painful to carry because while you’re still weighed down, you have built some very strong heart muscles to carry all the grief and love. And so you continue to walk.

That is all. You continue to walk. That is all, that is EVERYTHING.

Perks of being a counselor: inter-dimensional access and journeying with those who have built the strongest of hearts. I see you.

💓🙏🏽💓

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I can do this because I’ve done it before…

If you’re like me, you often conveniently or accidentally forget how hard you’ve worked to make it through some of the rough times.

How you talk to yourself and what you think about yourself is extremely important. Your words and thoughts do affect you and your well-being.

It has been postured that talking to plants can help them grow. Imagine if you spoke to yourself in a way that would help you grow, what would that sound like? What would you say?

(To learn more about why talking to plants might be helpful, visit the following site: https://wonderopolis.org/wonder/does-talking-to-plants-help-them-grow)

So take some notes about your life, especially about the times you overcame what may have at the time seemed like insurmountable odds, write yourself a letter, document your successes and read it to yourself over and over again when you feel all is lost. Speak to yourself the way you would to a loved one.

Perks of being a counselor? Witnessing growth and change in others when I sit with them in therapy in that painfully uncomfortable space where their doubts and sorrows live, seeing what happens when they are fully validated and accepted for who they are without any judgment and are truly seen and heard. Then knowing that I can do exactly the same same for myself, sit with my own pain and sense of failure, have a loving dialogue with the hurt parts of myself, because while I am no better than anyone else, I am no less than them either and deserve to be loved, cherished and cared for.

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Working together…

No, we’re not getting married or running for office. Lol!

The picture you see here is one of me and my ex-husband, walking down the aisle together as co-parents at our eldest daughter’s wedding this past December.

It took us a few years to get to this point, time I’m hoping many of you who are newly divorced will not waste on parenting against each other instead of with each other.

No, we’re not the perfect co-parents after our marriage ended as the picture above may insinuate. We are not nor will ever be perfect at co-parenting. However, we can learn to work together instead of expending energy working against each other.

I don’t know about you, but as I get older, I have less and less energy to spend on arguing and fighting with anyone, much less the father of my children.

Besides the personal health benefits of not being in a tug of war with your ex-partner/spouse, your children are the ones who benefit most from an amicable co-parenting situation.

And this is the key point here, that your children deserve to have two parents who work together to ensure the best outcome for each of their children despite possibly having their own personal, less than favorable thoughts and opinions of their ex-partner/spouse.

So learn from me. Don’t spend your time negating each other. Find a way to harmonize whatever time you have to co-parent with your ex-partner/spouse and find it in yourself to be the bigger person, if you have to, in order for your children to have peace of mind and heart that they are loved and taken care of by both of their primary caregivers.

A win-win situation for all.

**Disclaimer:

Please note that I recognize there are many situations in co-parenting where the other person is simply absent, non-cooperative, abusive, dangerous and manipulative. I am by no means stating that you have any control over how the other person is behaving nor that you should subject yourself and/or your children to abuse, danger and/or physical harm. Each situation and each family is unique. Please seek professional help if you feel you and/or your children are in danger.

Besides 911, I have provided other helpful phone numbers below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

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Anger isn’t always bad.

Anger gets a bad rep. Counselors, psychologists and just people in general have a hard time addressing anger at its core. Often times anger is dismissed and “underlying emotions” are addressed as the core emotions. 

Sometimes it’s true that other core emotions such as fear, sadness, anxiety, and such are actually the root of the anger displayed. But this is not universally and always true. Sometimes anger is just anger. Pure, raw, powerful and full of energy.
Can we try to accept anger for what it is and instead of dismissing it, channel it into something productive and life changing? This is a challenge I want to put out there to you. Instead of dismissing the anger you feel, channel its awesome energy and power into something useful in your life and try to make a positive change using your anger as fuel for your transformation. Empower yourself by telling yourself it’s okay to feel anger as long as you use it for good instead of destroying yourself and your relationships with others. Stop believing you don’t have control over your ability to take charge of your feelings. Feel your feelings, all of them. Don’t label them as good or bad. Just feel. And take the energy each feeling produces and channel it in a meaningful way so that you can make a positive difference in your own life as well as the life of the community in which you live.
There is no such thing as a “bad” feeling. All feelings are valid and equal in their ability to be useful or destructive. You get to choose how you will use your feelings. YOU are the one in charge. Breathe. Observe. Think and reflect. And then…Carry on. 
Lesson: Anger can be used as fuel to get you to where you want to be. It’s not about being destructive. It’s about being constructive with whatever you have and whatever you’re feeling at the moment. Believe me, I’m a counselor. I get angry and it pisses me off when my anger is negated or villianized. Being pissed off is life’s way of giving you a little shot of caffeine so you can get off your ass and do something different. Don’t be calm. Rage on and conquer your life! 
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Don’t wait…

We often wait for life to be this way or that way before we make a move or do something we’ve always wanted to do.

The truth is that life will never be exactly the way we want it to be, it will never be perfect.

Life is messy. The winds will blow. Your hair will be messy. The sun will come out. Live and love anyway. Take pictures anyway. Live now. Follow your passions. Follow your heart. Don’t wait.

Perks of being a counselor: knowing there is no such thing as a perfect time or perfect life. The only perfection is how perfectly imperfect we all are. ❤️

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Timelines

Sometimes you accidentally run into timelines of other people that match up with your old timeline. However, their timeline continues uninterrupted while yours takes a departure from your projected and estimated trajectory. It’s always a little jarring when you see the timeline that’s uninterrupted and start comparing it to yours. You start wondering if maybe this uninterrupted timeline could have been your life and then you look for where things changed. It’s an exhausting and defeating process. It presupposes that one single act can determine the fate of your timeline. It also presupposes that one outcome is better than another.


Life is not like that. If it were, there would be an antidote or a counter action that would protect you from that other “action” that is the determining factor in the change of trajectory. (Now I’m getting into Quantum Physics, which I love by the way.) 😉

In reality, there is no way to pinpoint a single moment when things change. While there are single events that change us forever, life is a continuous flow of moments that lead from one to another. Every time I have tried to look for that single moment, I have had to look at the moment before that and the one before that and on and on and on. It is actually easier to look forward and change actions in present mode for future benefit.

So where’s the perk?

I suppose the perk of being a counselor in this situation is to know at any given moment you have the power to change the future.
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Burning Bridges

As a counselor I have hope in almost everything and everyone. It is also who I am as a person. Some would argue I have too much hope and see life with rose colored glasses despite all that I have personally experienced and all that I have heard about the grief of others, “la vie en rose,” (listen to this song if you ever have a chance).

All I know is that I have always had the presence of the “Divine” or “higher power” in my life. Even in my loneliest, I have truly never been or felt alone. However, having said this, I have learned a lot in the last few years about having hope in every situation and everyone. 

Lesson 1:
Everything and everyone has the potential of change but not everything and everyone will reach that potential in a timeline that we are able to witness.
Lesson 2:
When we choose to leave certain people and things in the time and space they belong and occupy, we are not forgetting them and their time with us. We are operating with the virtue of justice by letting people occupy their space and time and allowing ourselves to move on and occupy our own space and time. 
Lesson 3:
We need energy and fuel to power our way through our new, and most likely, different journey. We cannot exist simultaneously in two or more dimensions of time without severe exhaustion and lack of motivation. We have to choose, and sadly, sometimes our fuel and guidance comes from the light provided by the bridges we burn to our past. 
Lesson 4:
While you may choose to return to an older period of time, you have to remember that you return as a changed person and therefore will possibly, and in all likelihood, have different reactions and behaviors. Don’t be surprised if you realize something or someone from your past isn’t as interesting or is more interesting than you thought originally. 
Lesson 5:
There is a lesson in everything. Find it, especially when you have the least amount of understanding of what’s going on. It will always shed light on a situation. 
Lesson 6:
Hope applies to everyone. It’s an equal opportunity concept. If you have hope in every situation and everyone else, that means there is also hope for you and your situation. You are not the exception to the rule. 
Lesson 7: 
There are connections between every act, person, thing and situation. Find what the connections are. They are the yellow brick road that will lead you to the treasure at the end of the rainbow. 
Once again, I’m not saying anything you can’t think of or haven’t possibly thought of yourself. I just happen to be trained to look for these things as part of my job and in my own life. You can become this aware as well.
In fact, you might already be. 
I am grateful for this kind of awareness. It is most definitely one of the perks of being a counselor. 

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Leave if you must…

Sometimes we have to leave. We are the only ones we can control and so it becomes our duty to leave a situation that is not healthy or is unjust. 

When people refuse to respect your boundaries, leave. I’m not saying don’t try to work it out by discussing it, but if there is no chance of a healthy discussion, leave. Leave people, places, things, jobs, doctors, relationships, friendships, homes, exercise routines, clubs, whatever you can think of. 
A quote comes to mind…
I think it goes something like this, “You’re not a tree. You can move.” There is no law that says you have to continually endure unhealthy situations. Move. Leave. Walk away.
Perks of being a counselor?
Being able to give myself permission to practice what I preach. I’m out. 👊🏽
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Silence

There are some times in our life when there is just no answer to our questions, no relief, no closure.

As much as we would like to find peace in an answer, the only way we may ever find peace in such times is through silence.
Practicing silence and sitting at the table with your lack of clarity may be all there is one can do. So go ahead. Pull up a chair, sit down across the table from your pain and sadness. Look them in the eye, not with judgement and blame, but with love.
Sit in silence and send love across the table to what you’ve lost, what you mourn. 
The human language is incapable of labeling such times and feelings which may be why you feel you have no answer to your questions, no response to your pain. The language of the soul is complicated. It’s not about a label or word because the soul is processing so many things simultaneously. However, the soul comes alive and feels seen and heard in the moment when you look at the soul and recognize it and “see” it through someone’s eyes. It can definitely be seen and acknowledged. And if you’re capable of sitting at the table with your own soul, and without any words acknowledge your own pain and sorrow and sadness and love, then maybe you will have found an answer after all.
Perk:  silence is an answer; no response is a response; no action is an action; acceptance of what something is, is acceptance of what it is not. With silence you can make the loudest statement of all. 
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Perfectly imperfect

We have to stop this search for perfection.

It’s destroying our ability as a society to address what needs to be addressed, namely that there is a lot of suffering in this world.

When we enter a situation with a preconceived structure for how it’s all “supposed to” be, our brain filters out all other information in order to fit the situation into the model we have created with which we are trying to look at the world.

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If you’re going to try to change the world for the better, you have to believe in your own voice…

The lies we tell ourselves…

We lie to ourselves. It’s the truth. We tell ourselves if only we had this or that, if only we could be here or there, then our life would be better. We pick out specifics about what we think we need and want in order to live more happily. We rarely look into ourselves to see why we feel we are missing so much in our life. 
The truth is that under the same exact conditions, we are completely accepting of what is when we feel good about ourselves. When we see the glass as half full, the beverage in the glass doesn’t matter. This is because we see ourselves as complete. However, when we are feeling low, no matter how full our glass is, it’s just never full enough.
This condition is one that can never be remedied. No amount of “stuff” will fill that void. We are not taught to dig deep within ourselves, pull out the rot and then replace it on our own, although we are perfectly capable of it. We are always directed to something out there, out in the world, out in society, in someone else to look at to try to fill the void or fix the void. 
I don’t blame you. It’s the only way today’s society and the economy can function. If people actually realized that no “thing” or “person” can fill the void, and that it’s a never-ending job of working on yourself, then we would stop spending so much money and time looking outside ourselves for peace. 
Peace is a state of mind and heart. It’s not a “thing” easily achieved through purchases or material goods. It’s not a location either nor is it who you’re with. It’s a state of being and it’s demonstrated through your actions towards yourself and others. 
Now that you know, though truly I’m thinking you already knew this in your inner core, I expect you to tell yourself the truth and instead of looking outside yourself for the “fix,” look within, know your broken pieces are what makes you beautiful and complete as only you can be. Only your broken pieces fit together perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle which eventually allows others to see you as whole.
Lesson: The truth is so much more beautiful and empowering than the lies we tell ourselves.